Sein of Our Time.

There’s something to be said about the unparalleled wisdom of Jerry Seinfeld.

A true man of our times: theologian, car enthusiast, borderline pedophile and humourist all wrapped up in a bad, grown out perm, overbite and white sandshoes.

How many times have you sat and pondered, during the stand up monologue of his show, “how does this man know me so well?”

I know I have.

And I know my assistant does too, as he sits and watches the DVDs at his desk during his lunch hours, headphones stolen from the studio plastered to his ears as he finds an awkward rhythm between laughing uproariously and munching on food that should be illegal simply on the merit that I can hear him chewing it two doors away in a soundproof booth.

So, you’d think he’d know, oh, you’d think he would, about the Theory of Pause to Favour ratio.

“The what?” you look quizically at me and ask?

Please, let me explain.

In the paraphrased words of Signor Seinfeld, to predict the size of a favour about to be asked, measure the pause that follows the question, “Can you do me a favour?” Par example, little favour: “Can you do me a favour, can I borrow a pen?” Teeny pause. Big favours? Bigger pause.

Now, I’m happy to do those little pause favours, hey, who among us hasn’t been caught out without a pen, and who am I not to lend one, considering you need it to add my name to your will.

It’s those big ones.

Those big pause ones.

Yeah, you know the ones.

Those ones that are slipped into conversation that have the words, “kidney”, or “will you love my children in the case of my untimely death?”, or “are you the same size shoe as me” that quickly bring the dialogue to an end, in the form of a me shaped hole in the door.

So, you think he’d know, oh, yes.

But no.

While we’re being scientific about it, perhaps now is a good time to mention that, personally, my ratio of favours granted to incredulously yelling “have you lost your fucking mind?” and chasing favour askerer around with a staple gun is directly proportional to how much sleep I have had in the last fortnight. The answer to that particular factor would be, not a goddamned lot.

And hey, here’s some more information, previously mentioned assistant has been galivanting his hoity toity ass around gay Paris impostered Las Vegas for the last week, leaving me here to go through his work so generously left behind that was…not finished, before he left.

Perfect conditions indeed, don’t you think, for which his email to arrive, this evening, asking this (complete with sarky commentary provided by me):

“Having a really good time, sorry that you had trouble finding those files, I’m sure I put them where I said (they weren’t). Anyway, whatever you scrounge together will be more impressive than the weeks of research I did (brushing aside urgent work issues with flattery, smart…I hate that he learned that from me), um (preemptive pause, this should be good)… I’m not really sure how to ask this (then don’t). Can you do me a favour? (NO)

Damn, my internet time’s run out (not my fault you wasted minutes trying to get into porn on a public computer), I’m going to rush down for breakfast (choke on it, and bring me back an espresso) and come back up and write you again, just wanted you to know all was well here (way to ruin my evening).”

Now, I don’t know about you, but a breakfast, even be it a quick coffee and piece of toast, equates to a pretty big fucking pause.

A, “I’m drawing this out for as long as possible in the hopes I can wear you down, because in truth, I know there’s no chance in hell you’ll say yes” type pause.

A… “can I have a few more days time off, so I can stay and try to catch every living sexually transmitted disease going around Las Vegas” type big fucking favour pause.

*sighs*

You’d think he’d know.

To do it quick like pulling off a band-aid.

Jerry would be so disappointed.

Oh look I have mail.

Too bad, this favour granting factory times out after pauses longer than five minutes, and he should know, oh he really should know.

*deletes email*

Hope he’s not waiting for my response because I’m off to dinner.

Oops, don’t want to miss this next episode of Seinfeld from the DVDs I’m permanently borrowing from my assistant though.

So, could you do me a favour and…

*pause*

~ by libertiness on June 12, 2008.